Re: How about a joke thread

[01YZF6]

perfect ! i will definitely remember this one !

[crispy]

sooooo true

[Paladin]

Omg I am gonna have to tell that one to my wife.

[yellawd]

What can a bird do that a man cannot do?




Whistle through his pecker!''

[yellawd]

A man goes into Barnes and Nobles and asks the young lady assistant,

"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises ?

I cant remember the title."

She says "I am not sure if it is in yet."

Man says "That is the one I will take it."

[jmunsey]

Scientific Conversions

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in theTwilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale UniversityHospital = 1 IV League
27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision

[jmunsey]

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"

"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"

[01YZF6]

hahhah !

[01YZF6]

what do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?








.
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a quarter pounder.
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.with cheese.........

[crispy]

Three Pregnant Women


Three pregnant women are sitting in a cafe having lunch, when one of them says, "I know that I'm going to have a boy."

The other two women think about that for a moment, and then one of them says, "OK, how do you know you're going to have a boy?"

"Well, when the child was conceived," says the first women, "I was on top. So I'm going to have a boy."

They sit and eat for a few minutes more, and then the second woman says, "Well, I'm going to have a girl."

"OK," says the first one, "how do you know you're going to have a girl?"

"Well, when my child was conceived, I was on the bottom. So I'm going to have a girl."

They sit and eat for a few minutes more, the third woman obviously getting more and more distressed, until finally she breaks down into horrible sobbing?

"What's wrong, what's wrong?" the first two women ask with concern.

The third woman manages to stifle her sobs long enough to only say one thing.... "I'm going to have a puppy!"

[Guest]

HAHAHAHAHAHA nice one crispy

[jmunsey]

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife,
'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:

BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go. 'From
now on when I say BELL 1... I want you to strip naked.

When I say BELL 2 ...I want you to jump in bed.

And when I say BELL 3 ... We are going to make love all
night.

'The next night he came home from work and yelled 'BELL 1!'
The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.

When he yelled 'BELL 3!', they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'

'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?

'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied 'YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE
FIRE.'

:-)

[01YZF6]

hahahahah !

[Edera]

Hospital Bill . . .





A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

[Edera]

A distraught senior citizen
phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?"
"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'."

[jmunsey]

How do you starve an Obama supporter??



Hide their food stamps
under their work shoes.

[jmunsey]

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and ourcrew take you safely to Afghanistan '

An old Master Sgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '

When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'
'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'


'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think, with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We no longer call It the Cockpit......


.....It's now called The Box Office.'

[01YZF6]

bwahahahah !

[jmunsey]

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1.. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Marijuana.
2. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
3. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
4. Sing Along At The Opera.
5. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend
Their Party Because You have a headache.
6. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives!
They're Loose!'

7. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy,
We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
8. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY,
GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.


Enjoy The Ride, Life is Short!!

[jughead]

20 gypsies are at the Pearly Gates. St Peter goes to GOD & says 'I've got 20 Gypsies. Can I let them in?' GOD replies 'We're over our quota on Gypsies. Go back to the Pearly Gates & tell them to choose among them which are the 5 most worthy & I let just the 5 in.' A while later St Peter returns to GOD & says, 'They're gone', 'What?' says GOD, 'All 20 of them?' 'No, the Pearly Gates'.

[jughead]

Cajun Shrimper wants a job cleaning up the oil spill, but the BP Foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Without numbers?' The Cajun says, 'Dat is easy.' And proceeds to draw three trees.


'What's this?' the boss asks.

'Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,' says the Cajun.

'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'

The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. 'Ere you go.'

The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'

'Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.'

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'

The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Ere you go. One hundred.'


The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'

The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little dog come along and poop by each tree.. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred.'

The Cajun is now the new supervisor

[jmunsey]

Kid asks Grandpa: Do you still have sex with Grandma?


Grandpa: Yes, but just oral sex.


Kid: What's oral sex?


Grandpa: I say fluff you and she replies: fluff you too.....

[jmunsey]

The Arizona Department of Safety Officer pulled over pick-up truck owner
Mike Murray for a weapons check because of an NRA bumper sticker When the
officer approached the vehicle, the man behind the wheel handed the officer
his driver's license, insurance card and concealed carry permit. The officer
took all the documents, looked them over and said, "Mr. Murray, I see you
have a CCP Do you have any weapons with you?"

The driver replied, "Yes I do. I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a .45
in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot.

The officer looked at Mike and asked, "Anything else?"

"Yes. I have a Mossberg 500 12 gauge and an AR-15 in the trunk."

The officer asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range and the
man said he wasn't, so the officer bent over and looked into the driver's
face and said "Mr. Murray, you're carrying quite a few guns. May I ask what
you are afraid of?"

Mike locked eyes with the officer and calmly answered, "Not a fluffing
thing!!!"

[Hondarat]

Now thats Fluffing funny!!

[jmunsey]

A cowboy from Texas attended a social function where Barack Obama was trying to gather support for his Health Plan. When Obama discovered the cowboy was from President Bush's home area, he started to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling.
But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks,
"Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their president a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says,
"Hard to fool them flies, though. "

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