Re: How about a joke thread

by **Miss G** Wed Apr 06, 2011 5:24 pm

ratznfragn wrote:And an agnostic dyslexic insomniac lies awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

by **01YZF6** Wed Apr 06, 2011 10:56 pm

hehhhahhahahahha ! nice last few !

did you ever wonder who was the first person to ever watch an egg fall out of a chickens ass and say "hmmmm, I think I will eat that!" ??

even better, did you ever wonder what was really going on when somebody "discovered" where and how, Milk came out of a cow?

by **Miss G** Thu Apr 07, 2011 8:14 am

01YZF6 wrote:hehhhahhahahahha ! nice last few !

did you ever wonder who was the first person to ever watch an egg fall out of a chickens ass and say "hmmmm, I think I will eat that!" ??

even better, did you ever wonder what was really going on when somebody "discovered" where and how, Milk came out of a cow?

Omg!

by **jmunsey** Fri Apr 08, 2011 1:01 am

A Blonde in a Southern Church

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. It is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven, and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that could stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!

by **jmunsey** Fri Apr 08, 2011 8:55 am

Bill and his wife Blanche went to the state fair every year,

And every year Bill would say,

" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "

Blanche always replied,

" I know, Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

and fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,

" Blanche, I'm 75 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "

To this, Blanche replied,

" Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks "

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. "

Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks,

but still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,

" By golly , I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed! "

Bill replied,

" Well, to tell you the truth

I almost said something when Blanche fell out,

but you know,

Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

by **Miss G** Fri Apr 08, 2011 9:08 am

by **01YZF6** Fri Apr 08, 2011 8:16 pm

hahahahahaha !

by **jughead** Sat Apr 09, 2011 12:46 am

Guy walks into a bar & rushes to the bartender. “Hey John, I just saw a guy sneaking in your house thru the back door & your wife let him in.’ John says “Oh yeah what did he look like?” Guy says “He was big, over 6 ft.” John says “Was his hair Red?” Guy says “Yes” John says “Did he have a limp?” “Yes he did” “& was he wearing a leather Jacket?” “Yes, he was.” John says, “Oh, that’s Bubba. He’ll F#*k anybody”

by **01YZF6** Sat Apr 09, 2011 8:48 am

OMFG ! hahahhah

by **Miss G** Sun Apr 10, 2011 8:26 am

lol

by **jmunsey** Mon Apr 11, 2011 1:04 am

DARWIN AWARDS

You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further
ado, here are the 2010 Darwin Awards.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Eighth Place

In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of
water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate
to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he
ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place

While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for
protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the
bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand.

People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out
but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment
almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead of suffocation
at a hospital.

Fifth Place

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of
a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long
flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed
into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends
who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his
mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place

After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front
door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the
store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was
standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber
announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers
also drew their guns and fired.

The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by paramedics. Crime scene
investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The
subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified
rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION

Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around
at 2 A.M. So they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the
window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that
the window was closed.

RUNNER UP

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them
said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in
the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at
least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon
arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had
brought a bungee rope.

Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that
a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around
Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted
40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle.
He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued
by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS....

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his
constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a
bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm
finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was
attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the
relieved beast unloaded.

The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr
Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the
elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It
seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves 's*it
happens.'

IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING
THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.

by **jmunsey** Mon Apr 11, 2011 1:45 pm

With all the fear of radiation fallout from Japan I thought it might be useful to tell you about a cheap, effective, homemade radiation tester you can easily assemble and rely upon.

Just follow these simple instructions:

OPEN A BAG OF ORVILLE REDENBACHER MICROWAVE POPCORN

LEAVE IT ON YOUR KITCHEN COUNTER

IF IT STARTS POPPING, YOU’RE SCREWED

by **Miss G** Mon Apr 11, 2011 3:20 pm

jmunsey wrote:With all the fear of radiation fallout from Japan I thought it might be useful to tell you about a cheap, effective, homemade radiation tester you can easily assemble and rely upon.

Just follow these simple instructions:

OPEN A BAG OF ORVILLE REDENBACHER MICROWAVE POPCORN

LEAVE IT ON YOUR KITCHEN COUNTER

IF IT STARTS POPPING, YOU’RE SCREWED

That's so wrong. LOL

by **jmunsey** Tue Apr 19, 2011 1:14 pm

Possibly the funniest story in a while. This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure....

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional
information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident.. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 175 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed.

This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

Bill Fuller

by **01YZF6** Thu Apr 21, 2011 10:53 am

wow !

by **jmunsey** Thu Apr 21, 2011 4:04 pm

A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please..

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Don't Mess With Mature Ladies

by **crispy** Thu Apr 21, 2011 4:14 pm

by **jmunsey** Mon Apr 25, 2011 5:34 pm

Golfing Hit Man

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf
course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join
you? My partner didn't turn up.'

'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game
and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends
asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?' 'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.

'You're joking!' was the response. 'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag
and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here
are my tools.' 'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a
look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up the rifle
and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.
Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom . . .Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute,
that's my neighbor in there with her . . .He' s naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?' 'I'll do a flat rate, for you,
one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.' 'Can you do two for me now?' 'Sure,
what do you want?'

'First, shoot my wife. She's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.'

'Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.

'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here!'

by **01YZF6** Mon Apr 25, 2011 8:46 pm

hahahhaha !

by **jughead** Mon Apr 25, 2011 9:40 pm

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

by **jughead** Mon Apr 25, 2011 9:41 pm

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

by **jughead** Mon Apr 25, 2011 9:50 pm

Two snowmen are standing in a meadow. One snowman turns to the other and says, "Do you smell carrots?"

by **yellawd** Tue Apr 26, 2011 7:49 pm

What can a bird do that a man cannot do?

Whistle through his pecker!

by **01YZF6** Thu Apr 28, 2011 9:38 pm

A tourist in a bar in Florida asks a drunk Irishman sitting at the bar,
"ever wonder Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies:
"well.........If they fell forwards they'd still be in the foockin' boat."

by **Edera** Mon May 16, 2011 10:18 am

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,

and then took her to 6 Flags theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

?

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.

?

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down..

He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake..

Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,

'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'

?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

?

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