Re: How about a joke thread

by **Miss G** Sat Nov 12, 2011 7:20 am

jmunsey wrote:Details....details...details......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

;-)

NO!

Dragon wrote:Is that what they call an "Effin" headache?

YES!!

by **jmunsey** Wed Nov 16, 2011 3:14 pm

You are on a Horse, galloping at a constant speed.

On your right side is a sharp drop off,

And on your left side is an Elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping Kangaroo and your horse is unable
to overtake it.

Behind you is a Lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

See answer below.
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Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

by **Miss G** Wed Nov 16, 2011 7:04 pm

Bwahahahaha!!!!

by **Sonny** Thu Nov 17, 2011 7:36 pm

Irish Funeral
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were at the least 60-65 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss. This may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've lived in County Cork all my life and I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

by **mobilestromrider** Thu Nov 17, 2011 7:45 pm

Sonny wrote:Irish Funeral
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were at the least 60-65 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss. This may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've lived in County Cork all my life and I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

by **Sonny** Thu Nov 17, 2011 7:52 pm

Woman's Gol Hazard
Speaking of golf, out at the country club a woman comes running into proshop

screaming AAAAHHH I GOT STUNG BY A BEE! the guy behind the counter says

"where?" and the women cries, "BETWEEN THE FIRST AND SECOND HOLE!"

and the guy says"...um, I think your stance is too wide."

by **jughead** Sun Nov 20, 2011 2:19 pm

Did you hear about the guy who was into BDSM, necrophilia, and bestiality?

He gave it up when he realized he was just beating a dead horse.

by **Dragon** Sun Nov 20, 2011 2:54 pm

by **SoalBoy** Mon Nov 21, 2011 7:11 pm

Man went to the doctor to be treated for fluid on the knee.
Doc took a look and said,"You need to improve your aim!"

by **Sonny** Tue Nov 22, 2011 11:09 am

Cool commercial

https://youtu.be/g6OaSzoSpHE

by **jmunsey** Wed Nov 23, 2011 1:24 am

Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'' ''Yes, What can I do for you?'' '' I'm calling to report my neighbor Virgil Smith.... He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'' ''Thank you very much for the call, sir.'' The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept...................... Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneered at Virgil and leave. Shortly after the phone rings at Virgil's house. ''Hey, Virgil, This here's Floyd.... Did the Sheriff come?'' ''Yeah!'' '' Did they chop your firewood for the winter?'' ''Yep!'' ''Happy Birthday, buddy!'' Rednecks know how to git-R-done.

by **Sonny** Fri Nov 25, 2011 11:37 pm

Shovels, Asses, and Camels. . . . A brief history
Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . .. . I called a Suicide Hotline.

I had to press 1 for English.

I was connected to a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal.

The person in the land of Jihad got excited and asked if I knew how to drive a truck..

by **jmunsey** Sat Nov 26, 2011 9:42 am

A man riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant You One wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things… Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I Wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

by **jmunsey** Tue Nov 29, 2011 10:05 am

Sharing …..

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, ' That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them. '

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said ' No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything. '

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked ' What is it you are waiting for? '

She answered....................

THE TEETH.

by **jmunsey** Tue Nov 29, 2011 11:51 am

I heard it through the grapevine.........

Whatever next?

A single glass of this new wine at night could mean a peaceful,
uninterrupted night's sleep for seniors.

I kid you not...

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as
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PINOT MORE

by **jmunsey** Fri Dec 02, 2011 10:47 am

THE BEST AUSSIE PICK UP LINE EVER?

An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks:'Is your date running late?''No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.
'The intrigued woman says: 'A state-of-the-art watch?What's so special about it?'
The Aussie explains: 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.
'The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?
''Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.
'The woman giggles and replies:
'Well it must be broken, because I am wearing panties!
'The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says:'Bloody thing's an hour fast!'

by **jmunsey** Fri Dec 02, 2011 4:18 pm

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews

And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;

Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of

The men to a large metal door and handed

Him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your

Instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting

In a chair . . .. Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could

Never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man

For this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was

Quiet for a bout 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,

But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't

Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn.. She was given the

Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the

Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one

After another. They heard screaming, crashing,

Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was

Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the

Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to

Beat him to death with the chair.'

MORAL:

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them!

by **jughead** Tue Dec 06, 2011 10:47 am

Two Philosophers were having dinner in a restaurant discussing the difference between Misfortune & Disaster.

"There is a difference" said one, "If the Cook suddenly died & we couldn’t have dinner, that would be a Misfortune but not a Disaster…

On the other hand if a Cruise Ship carrying the Congress sank in the middle of the Ocean, that would be a Disaster…but certainly Not a Misfortune

by **jmunsey** Fri Dec 09, 2011 3:21 pm

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table..He had been checking her out since he sat down,
but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks...
They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . ....

Wait for it .... .....

It's coming ..... ......

The suspense is killing you, isn't it?

She said .... .....:

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

by **Dragon** Wed Dec 14, 2011 2:02 pm

Top 20 Christmas Pickup Lines

1. I've checked it twice, and I'm sure you're on my “naughty” list.
2. You are what I want for Christmas.
3. Are you interested in seeing the “North Pole?”
4. How about I slip down YOUR chimney, at half past midnight?
5. That's not a candy cane in my pocket. I'm just glad to see you!
6. Come sit on my lap. I've got a special gift just for you.
7. Wanna meet Santas little helper?
8. Wanna check out my mistletoe belt buckle?
9. Shouldn't you be sitting on top of the tree, Angel?
10. Even Santa doesnt make candy as sweet as you.
11. Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
12. If your left leg is Thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas, can I visit you between the holidays?
13. I can't wait to unwrap your present!
14. Would you like to learn a few “reindeer games?”
15. Those aren't sugarplums dancing through my head, it's all you.
16. I've got your stocking stuffer right here!
17. Would you like to go to my place and light my Yule log?
18. What do you say we make this a not-so-silent night?
19. Believe me, if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows.
20. I've got something you can hang a wreath on.

by **mobilestromrider** Sat Dec 17, 2011 10:28 pm

Boudreaux, out in his pasture in south Louisiana, takes a lightning-quick kick from a cow, right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said, "How bad is it Doc? . . . I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my finance, Bertha, is still a virgin."
The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week."
The doctor took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided splint and taped it all together. An impressive work of art and engineering.
Boudreaux mentions none of this to Bertha, marries her, and they go on
their honeymoon to Ville Platte.
That night in the motel room, Bertha slowly open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts, saying, "You're DA first, nobody has EVER seen deez."

Boudreaux immediately drops his pants and replies, "Look at dis, Bertha.......still in DA CRATE!"

by **jmunsey** Mon Dec 19, 2011 8:28 pm

https://www.youtube.com/v/nUY-H3vWhzY%26hl

This is extremely gunny...I don't care who ya are!!!!

;-)

by **Dragon** Tue Dec 20, 2011 2:44 pm

Seen that before, it's a classic. Very Happy

by **Paladin** Tue Dec 20, 2011 9:15 pm

absolutley hilarious.

by **ZombieNNN** Wed Dec 21, 2011 12:33 am

a good one Paladin.

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