How about a joke thread

[jughead]

A man was in his back yard trying to fly a kite.

He threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.

He tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife was watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. So she opens the window and yelled to him, "You need a piece of tail."

He turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your dang mind. Last night, you told me to 'go fly a kite'."

[jughead]

How To Shower Like a Woman:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts,etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,wide loofah and pumicestone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint enhanced conditioner.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.[i][u]

[wseibert]

Two atoms have been floating along side one another through space for a very long time. They have had some discussions along the way and have gotten to know each other pretty well.

One day, the first atom exclaimed, "Holy Crap! I just lost an electron!"
His friend, shocked, looked at him and asked, "What? Really?! Are you sure?"
The atom replied, "Yes, I'm positive."

[wseibert]

Heisenberg had just bought a brand new corvette.

He was driving it home and decided to really open it up and see what it could do.

As he was flying around a blind curve, a police officer clocked him and pulled him over.

The police officer asked Heisenberg, "Sir, do you have any idea how fast you were going?"

Heisenberg looked at the officer and replied flatly, "No officer, I have no idea how fast I was going, but, I know exactly where I am!"





Edited to add:

Explanation

In quantum mechanics, the Heisenberg uncertainty principle states by precise inequalities that certain pairs of physical properties, like position and momentum, cannot simultaneously be known to arbitrary precision. That is, the more precisely one property is measured, the less precisely the other can be measured. In other words, the more you know the position of a particle, the less you can know about its velocity, and the more you know about the velocity of a particle, the less you can know about its instantaneous position.

[Paladin]

[wseibert]

When the math professor's wife returns home from work, she finds an envelope on the living room table. She opens it and finds a letter from her husband:

My dearest wife,

We have been married for nearly thirty years, and I still love you as much as on the day I proposed. You must realize, however, that you are now 54 years old and no longer able to satisfy certain needs I still have. I very much hope that you are not hurt to learn that, while you're reading this, I'm in a hotel room with an 18-year-old freshman girl from my calculus class. I'll be home before midnight.

Your husband, who will never stop loving you.

When the professor returns from the hotel shortly before midnight, he also finds an envelope in the living room. He opens it and reads:

My beloved husband,

You may recall that you, too, are 54 years old and no longer able to satisfy certain needs I still have. I thus hope that you are not hurt to learn that, while you're reading this, I am in a hotel room with the 18-year-old pool boy.

Your loving wife.

P.S. As a mathematician, you are certainly aware of the fact that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't stay up and wait for me.

[Guest]

Where these supose to be funny?.....

[Guest]

OMG who let him loose!!!

[camo]

Heisenberg had just bought a brand new corvette.

He was driving it home and decided to really open it up and see what it could do.

As he was flying around a blind curve, a police officer clocked him and pulled him over.

The police officer asked Heisenberg, "Sir, do you have any idea how fast you were going?"

Heisenberg looked at the officer and replied flatly, "No officer, I have no idea how fast I was going, but, I know exactly where I am!"

I suck at physics.. I give up.





Edited to add:

Explanation

In quantum mechanics, the Heisenberg uncertainty principle states by precise inequalities that certain pairs of physical properties, like position and momentum, cannot simultaneously be known to arbitrary precision. That is, the more precisely one property is measured, the less precisely the other can be measured. In other words, the more you know the position of a particle, the less you can know about its velocity, and the more you know about the velocity of a particle, the less you can know about its instantaneous position.

[wseibert]

I suck at physics.. I give up.

Well, the joke is lost if I have to explain it!

Heisenberg was a German physicist who won the nobel prize for his work in quantum mechanics. Essentially, his theorem states that the more accurately you know the position of a particle, the less accurately you know its velocity. Conversely, the more accurately you know the velocity (speed) of a particle, the less accurately you know its position.

Hence, the punchline:
"Do you know how fast you were going (speed aka velocity)?"
"No, I have no idea, but I know exactly where I am (position)."

Because, of course, the more certain you are of your position, the less certain you are of your velocity (speed).

See?

I edited my post yesterday to include an explanation.

Where these supose to be funny?.....

Yes.

[wseibert]

A mathematician, a statistician, and a finance guy are being interviewed for a job position.

The mathematician, during his interview, said, "Well, I'll do the job for 50,000 / year"

The statistician, during his interview, said, "Well, I'll do the job for 70,000 / year"

The financial analyst, during his interview, said, "Well, I'll do the job for 250,000 / year."

Outraged, the interviewer exclaimed, "250,000 / yr?! Are you insane? I have a mathematician who will do the work for 50,000 / yr. What makes you worth that kind of money??"

The financial analyst calmly explained, "Well, I figure 100,000 for you, 100,000 for me, and 50,000 to hire the mathematician to do all the work."

Guess who got the job?

[wseibert]

Three engineers are arguing about what kind of engineer God must be.

The first exclaimed, "He must be an electrical engineer. I mean, look at all the connections in the human brain and how the nerves connect through the body at precisely the correct points. It's amazing!"

The second stated, "He may be, but, I believe that he must be a mechanical engineer. Look at the design of the joints and how they have exactly the correct pivot points and range of motion needed. Look at the push-pull design of the muscles connecting to the bone structures. It's amazing!"

The third looked at the other two for a moment, sighed, and said, "You are both wrong, he must have been a damned civil engineer, who else would run a sewer line right through the recreation area."

[Guest]

I was a science major in college for a while before moving to business, I got the point of the joke but felt they lacked humor, unless you were a doctor or a scientist who was really into thier work. Comedy is only funny to an audience who can relate to the material at hand. Your jokes would be gut busters at a physics convention!

I am not trying to bust your balls man, just poking a little fun at you in a friendly manner.......but you may not have gotten my humor....ironic eh?

[wseibert]

I am not trying to bust your balls man, just poking a little fun at you in a friendly manner.......but you may not have gotten my humor....ironic eh?

I know, I should have used a smiley face in my "Yes" response
It's often difficult to convey emotion / humor through text.

Here is another for good measure.

3 statisticians decide to go hunting.
They come over a ridge and see a huge buck standing 100 yards away.
The first two, in their excitement, both immediately take aim and fire.
The first misses just to the left of the buck.
The second misses just to the right.
The third exclaimed, "We hit it!"



What, this is Alabama, it's a hunting joke, right??

[wseibert]

Here is a good one.

We all know that "Girls are Time and Money."
Therefore:
GIRLS = TIME X MONEY

We all know that Time is Money
Therefore:
TIME = MONEY

A Simple Substitution, since TIME = MONEY yields:
GIRLS = MONEY X MONEY

Therefore

GIRLS = MONEY ^ 2

We have all heard that Money is the root of all evil.
MONEY = SqrRoot(EVIL)

Another substition yeilds:

GIRLS = ( SqrRoot(EVIL) ) ^ 2

Since the square root of something, squared, is simply itself.

GIRLS = EVIL

Thus showing definitive proof that girls are evil.

[wseibert]

[jughead]

Why men shouldn't write advice columns

Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband’s help. When I got home, I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor’s daughter!
I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbor’s daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they have been having an affair for the past six months. He won’t go to counseling, and I’m afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila



Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all ground wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,

John

[jughead]

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

[jughead]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a
stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor
had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started
on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where
have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.

And on and on and on.
.
.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured
himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the
bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he
Dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and
was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted
a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided
to go up stairs and give him the good news.. As she opened the
bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent
over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed,
'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

[jughead]

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in North Dakota

He drives to North Dakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk. When he grabs a teat and pulls....the cow farts.

Surprised, Ole looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again.

Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow.

When he gets back to Minnesota , he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Hey, Sven, come and look at this here cow I just bought. Pull her teat, and see what happens."

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat...the cow farts...

Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought this here cow over in North Dakota, didn't you?"

Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip... replies, "Yes, that's right. But how did you know?"

Sven says, "My wife is from North Dakota."

[hayweed]

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.
So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then
you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.
This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.
He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

[Paladin]

A man riding his motorcycle was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

[Paladin]

Biker Bob wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bob looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Bob asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Biker Bob asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"

[Paladin]

The Inventors

Arthur Davidson the inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle died and
went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, 'Since you've been such a good man
and your motorcycles have changed
the world...your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in
Heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute, then said, 'I want to hang out
with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who
invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?'

Arthur said, 'Yep, that's me.'

God said, 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
pretty unstable makes noise and pollution and can't run without a
road?'

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said 'Excuse me, but
aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Yes.'

'Well', said Arthur, 'a professional to a professional, you have some
major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!'

'Hmmmmm, you have some good points there', replied God. 'Hold on.'
God went to his Celestial super computer typed in a few words and
waited
for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed', God said to Arthur,
'but according to these numbers more men are riding my invention than
yours.'

[Paladin]

On the open waters of the atlantic there was a sailing ship being crewed by 40 men.
One day,out of the crow's nest, came the call that there was a pirate ship coming over the horizon.
The captain said to his first mate "bring me my red shirt".
As he was handing the shirt to his captain, the first mate asked why did you call for a red shirt.
The captain's response was simple," that way when I get cut or stabbed in the upcoming battle, my sailors won't realize it and will keep fighting instead of trying to come to my aid.

Then the voice out of the crow's nest came again saying, " Not one but twenty pirate ships coming over the horizon.

The captain shouted over the yells of his crew

"BRING ME MY BROWN PANTS"

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