How about a joke thread

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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by 01YZF6 on Tue Feb 08, 2011 4:47 pm

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'


Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'


Ms.. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.


While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.


Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:
'9.'


Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'


Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'


Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'


Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..'


Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'


The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!


Harry replied: 'Pockets.'


Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'


Harry:
'Pants.'


The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'


Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.


Ms.. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:
'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Wed Feb 09, 2011 11:03 am

LIFE AFTER DEATH
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES. "YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED. "WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!

PALM SUNDAY
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY." "WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"

CHILDREN'S SERMON
ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE !! "

SUPPORT A FAMILY
THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?" THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."

FIRST TIME USHERS
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.
WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY I'M UNDER FIVE."

CLIMB THE WALLS
"OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US."
THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED. "I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT," THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.

THE WATER PISTOL
WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL... HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK.
I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?" MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... "I REMEMBER!!"

GRANDMA'S AGE
LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE WAS.
GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING." JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by 01YZF6 on Wed Feb 09, 2011 8:49 pm

what is the difference between Like, Love, and Showing off?

Spitting, Swallowing, and Gargling...
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Thu Feb 10, 2011 11:43 am

Holistic Medicine

Ahkmed the Arab came to US from the
Middle East, and he was only here a few months
when he became very ill.

He went to doctor after doctor but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arabic doctor who said,
'Take dees bucket, go into de odder room,
poop in de bucket, pee on de poop,
and den put your head down over de bucket
and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.'

Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room,
pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop,
bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said,
'It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?'

The doctor said, 'You were homesick'.
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Thu Feb 10, 2011 1:30 pm

SEVEN KINDS OF SEX

Results of recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. * This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. * You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Thu Feb 10, 2011 1:33 pm

We are in trouble...

The
population of this country is 300 million.

160
million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the
work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal
government.

Leaving 20 million to do the work..

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied
with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 17.2
million to do the work.

Take from that total the 15.8
million people who work for state and city
Governments. And that
leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given
time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving
1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people
in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the
work.

You and me.

And there
you are,

Sitting on your ass,

At your computer, reading jokes..

Nice. Real nice.
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by 01YZF6 on Thu Feb 10, 2011 1:59 pm

^^^^


HAHAHAHHA
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by 01YZF6 on Thu Feb 10, 2011 5:30 pm

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh...

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen.

It's length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.
Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could.

"I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

She ran out of the room.
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Thu Feb 10, 2011 5:44 pm

lol!
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by ZombieNNN on Thu Feb 10, 2011 10:41 pm

Very funny.
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by Miss G on Fri Feb 11, 2011 11:34 am

01YZF6 wrote:what is the difference between Like, Love, and Showing off?

Spitting, Swallowing, and Gargling...

Roflmao!!!!!! lol! lol! lol!
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by Miss G on Fri Feb 11, 2011 11:38 am

jmunsey wrote:We are in trouble...

The
population of this country is 300 million.

160
million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the
work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal
government.

Leaving 20 million to do the work..

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied
with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 17.2
million to do the work.

Take from that total the 15.8
million people who work for state and city
Governments. And that
leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given
time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving
1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people
in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the
work.

You and me.

And there
you are,

Sitting on your ass,

At your computer, reading jokes..

Nice. Real nice.

lol!
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Fri Feb 11, 2011 3:14 pm

This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said,
"Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare." So I explained to her that my dogs
are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging
clue who their Daddy's are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with
housing and medical care. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes
to qualify.

My dogs get their first checks Friday.

Dang, this is a great country!
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Fri Feb 11, 2011 3:22 pm

Weather Monitoring and Indians

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood.'
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Sun Feb 13, 2011 1:56 pm

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a
While, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think

From listening to you that you're from Ireland .

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?'

The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what

School did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'

The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe
It? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters,

'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jleyburn on Sun Feb 13, 2011 8:37 pm

little red-riding-hood is going down the path to grandmas house ,and sees a wolf in the bushes "O my mr wolf what big ears you have" the wolf jumps up and runs away into the forest, farther down the path little red-riding-hood sees a wolf behind a stump "O my mr wolf what big eyes you have" the wolf jumps up and runs off into the forest, almost to grandmas house she spots a wolf in the tall grass "O my mr wolf what big teeth you have" the wolf jumps up and shouts "piss off i'm trying to take a s*it"
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Mon Feb 14, 2011 7:36 pm

Caution!!! These came over from Ireland and a few are a bit risque.......read/laugh at your own risk!!

;-)


The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife."Is this your wife sir?" said the officer.
"Yes it is" I replied.
"I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident" said the
Officer...
"I know" I said, "but she has a lovely personality!"


A girl asks her doctor how many calories are there in sperm.
Doctor replies "Believe me dear, if you swallow, no one will care how
fat you are!"


Woke up this morning a bit late, about 8:15-ish.
Called down to the wife and got no answer.
Got up and went downstairs to the kitchen and there she was, face down
on the floor. Dead!
At that moment I completely lost it, my whole world fell apart, tears
were welling in my eyes.............Then a moment of pure
inspiration........

....McDonalds do Breakfast until 10:30


Two women were talking.
"Do you look at your husband's face when you have sex?"
"I did once & he looked really angry."
"Why angry?"
"Because he was watching through the window!"


Met a girl in the park last night and there was an instant spark between
us.
She fell at my feet and as I gave her a good workover I thought to
myself, 'fcuk me, these taser-guns are well worth the money!'


What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One is a male superhero, the other is an instruction!


Took a girl home from the pub last night but I ended up falling asleep
on the sofa...
Must have drunk her bloody drink by mistake!


Last night I got so drunk that when I got to the bottom of the stairs, I
took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear.
Then I crept upstairs very quietly, so as not to wake the kids or my
other half.
It was only when I got to the very top I realised I was still on the bus
home.
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Wed Feb 23, 2011 7:32 pm

Church Fart

An elderly couple are attending church services. About halfway through, the wife writes a note and hands it to her husband.

It says, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid . . ."
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Wed Feb 23, 2011 7:33 pm

The Ventriloquist And The Blonde

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Delaware. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, 'I've heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor! "

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, 'You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little s*it on your knee!"
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Wed Feb 23, 2011 7:35 pm

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.

The second passenger, Nancy Pelosi, said, "I am the Speaker of the House. And I am the smartest woman in American history, so America's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.

The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. President. There's a parachute left for you. America's smartest woman took my back-pack."
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Wed Feb 23, 2011 7:36 pm

West Virginia Wisdom

Two men up in the West Virginia hills were sitting on the front porch talking one afternoon over a cold beer, after getting off of work at the local coal mine.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know 'bout kin, but it'd make us even."
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Wed Feb 23, 2011 7:37 pm

Catholic Coffee Morning In Rome

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square .

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, The four men give her a subtle, "Well....?" She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,

- SLIM
- TALL
- 38D BREAST
- 24" WAIST and
- 34" HIPS

When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Wed Feb 23, 2011 7:38 pm

An American In Paris

An American is having breakfast in Paris one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: 'You American folk eat the whole bread??'

American (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) 'We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states.' The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat jelly with the bread??'

American: 'Of Course.'

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling). 'We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the states.'

After a moment of silence, The American then asks: 'Do you have sex in France?'

Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk.

American: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'

Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.'

American: 'We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France.'
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"jmunsey"]An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

Post by JSteele on Thu Feb 24, 2011 10:12 am

This happened when I was young. Except it was a boy scout, Jimmy Carter, the Pope and Jesse Jackson jumped with the backpack.
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JSteele
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by 01YZF6 on Tue Mar 01, 2011 9:18 pm

Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.



He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.

Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.

When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?"

The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00.

Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive faucet. It's certainly out of my price bracket."

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.

The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.

From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"

Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."

This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot!!!



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01YZF6
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Re: How about a joke thread

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