Re: How about a joke thread

by **hayweed** Thu Dec 22, 2011 9:08 am

WHY WE SHOOT DEER.

>>This is a very well written, hilarious story about an attempt to lasso a deer. >> >> >> Why we shoot deer in the wild (A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this) >> >> I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home. >> >> I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold... >> >> The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope .., and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope. >> >> That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals. >> >> A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope. >> >> I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back. >> >> Did you know that deer bite? >> >> They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts. >> >> The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. >> >> It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. >> >> That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day. >> >> Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape. >> >> This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down. >> >> Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head. >> >> I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!! >> >> All these events are true so help me God... An Educated Farmer

by **01YZF6** Thu Dec 22, 2011 3:05 pm

How about a joke thread - Page 15 MayanCalendarCartoon

IT IS OFFICIALLY ON COUNTDOWN NOW..... 364 DAYS AND COUNTING....

by **mobilestromrider** Thu Dec 22, 2011 9:54 pm

Q: why do French named their fighter-jets "Mirage"?
A: because they have never been seen in the combat zone.

by **Dragon** Thu Dec 22, 2011 11:22 pm

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

by **01YZF6** Fri Dec 23, 2011 11:47 am

hahahahahahah !

by **mobilestromrider** Wed Dec 28, 2011 1:00 am

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

by **01YZF6** Wed Dec 28, 2011 1:03 pm

EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair,but darkens our skin?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with them slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

by **hayweed** Wed Dec 28, 2011 2:35 pm

All good points 01YZF6.

by **01YZF6** Thu Dec 29, 2011 3:13 pm

Lawrence, Kansas, December 12, 2008

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did occasionally ring, her dog always began moaning instinctively right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog did surprisingly start to moan and the telephone eventually began to ring a few moments later.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was also loose thereby breaking the circuit.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple electric jolts, the dog would start moaning and then begin to urinate uncontrollably.

5. Eventually the urine soaked ground would complete the broken circuit, thus causing the phone to start ringing normally.

The moral of this story is ... this demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning ... thought you'd like to know.

by **jmunsey** Fri Dec 30, 2011 4:59 pm

NYMPHOMANIACS CONVENTION

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up & saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained," one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait...

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I am sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you.. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

by **01YZF6** Sat Dec 31, 2011 6:33 am

hahahahhaha !!!!

by **01YZF6** Sat Dec 31, 2011 6:44 am

while at LIVE BINGO tonight, one elderly man yelled out BINGO !

now this was fine except each player had different color bingo balls that go on a egg crate type of card ( they can see it better and it is easier than daubing a card with markers)
so anyway, the assistant goes over to check his card and the HOST announced over the loud speaker.... " what color are his balls?"

asst replied BLUE!

the Host then announces over the microphone
" can you see his BLUE BALLS , and how much is covered ( on the card)?"

this happened tonight....true story... hahah

by **01YZF6** Sun Jan 01, 2012 6:30 pm

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo has cheated him out of 10 million bucks.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is….

Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my
cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just LOVE lawyers?

by **01YZF6** Sun Jan 01, 2012 6:36 pm

the next time you have an
"I Hate My Job day"

Try this out:

Stop at your pharmacy and go to the
Thermometer section and purchase
A rectal thermometer made by
Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your
Doors, draw the curtains and
Disconnect the phone so
You will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable
Clothing and sit in your favorite
Chair. Open the package and
Remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table
Or a surface so that it will not
Become chipped or broken

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from
The box and read it carefully.

You will notice that in small
Print there is this statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer
Made by Johnson & Johnson
Is personally tested
And then sanitized."

Now, close your eyes and repeat
Out loud five times,' I am so glad
I do not work in the thermometer
Quality control department at
Johnson & Johnson.'

REMEMBER,
THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE
WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A
PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

by **ZombieNNN** Sun Jan 01, 2012 10:06 pm

Good one 01YZF6.

by **01YZF6** Tue Jan 03, 2012 10:04 pm

A sexy Hot blonde just asked me if I liked Legs or Breasts!

I told her I liked shaved pu**y.

apparently this is not how you reply to a cashier at KFC

by **intruderrider** Thu Jan 05, 2012 10:30 pm

People who studder can blame their Mother for using a vibarator while She was pregnant!

by **mobilestromrider** Thu Jan 05, 2012 10:44 pm

intruderrider wrote:People who studder can blame their Mother for using a vibarator while She was pregnant!

by **01YZF6** Thu Jan 05, 2012 11:39 pm

HAHAHAHHA

by **01YZF6** Mon Jan 16, 2012 11:11 am

An older couple was walking on a beach when the husband tripped over a bottle and a genie came out. “You can each have one wish,” said the genie. The wife made her wish first “I would like to travel around the world, with my husband,”. Suddenly there appeared in her hand two tickets for travel around the world. Now it was the husbands turn, “Well” said the husband, with a naughty look on his face “I wish I can have a younger companion,” . The words were barely out of his mouth when poof, he aged 20 years!

by **jmunsey** Fri Jan 20, 2012 1:11 pm

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what Martha?'

'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck . . .

by **01YZF6** Fri Jan 20, 2012 1:21 pm

hehehe

by **01YZF6** Fri Jan 20, 2012 1:26 pm

While browsing in a Jewelery store, a woman leaned over to look at a diamond necklace.
As she squatted down, she let a quiet, but sinister fart out.

So embarrassed, she dare not stand up.
She then noticed a salesman standing behind her, who was not even flinching at the foul odor.

He then leaned over, and quietly whispered to her....

if the sight of that necklace made you fart....

you are going to s*it when you see the price !

by **01YZF6** Fri Jan 20, 2012 5:07 pm

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.

There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in:

"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies, "Please step out my son. You're on my side."

by **Dragon** Sun Jan 22, 2012 3:56 am

Biker Bob’s father, a biker from way back in the 1930’s and still riding, sat down at Starbucks wearing his old and tattered leather biker jacket and worn out boots, and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the old man and asked, 'Are you a real biker?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life riding motorcycles, Harleys and Indians mostly. I rode a Triumph in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, another Harley. I've taught more than 100 people to ride and I have ridden this country from coast to coast, so I guess I am a biker, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old biker and asked: "are you a real biker?"

Biker Bob’s Dad replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

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