Re: How about a joke thread

by **jmunsey** Sun Jan 22, 2012 2:46 pm

Dad Is dumb: A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had breasts bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are ... the dumber the person is." The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger members than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are ... the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with his answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

by **jmunsey** Sun Jan 22, 2012 2:53 pm

Another Job

I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, waiting on it to turn green.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half- burned American Flag duct taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, stopped next to me.
The light changed, the Muslims praised Allah, shook their fists, hit the gas & darted off ahead of me.
Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding thru the intersection & ran directly over their car, crushing it completely,
killing everyone in the car.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man... that could have been me!"
So today;
bright and early, I went out and got a job as a TRUCK DRIVER.

by **jmunsey** Sun Jan 22, 2012 11:16 pm

Read carefully as the advise could save you.................ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are over-sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman. My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch each day in the Men's Grill at the Golf Club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods... She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the front lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too. . I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol. I'm not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder.. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her "Not Guilty", accepting her defence that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club..

by **jmunsey** Thu Jan 26, 2012 9:11 am

Top Four Adult Jokes
Fourth Place:

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as
soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
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Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey,
I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh..'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when
he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist
to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife
could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this
tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too. '
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,
'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said.
'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied,
'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.
'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.

by **jmunsey** Fri Jan 27, 2012 1:14 pm

Scottish drinking song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=MZ35SOU9HTM

by **jmunsey** Wed Feb 01, 2012 12:19 am

An old, blind cowboy by the name of Roy, wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, Roy yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt
in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

by **01YZF6** Wed Feb 01, 2012 2:34 pm

bwahahah

by **01YZF6** Thu Feb 02, 2012 4:31 pm

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Have you ever served in the military?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says,
"That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes.
A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay.
You've got enough points for me to hire you right now.
Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM,
Why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says.
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our nuts.
No point in you coming in for that."

by **jughead** Thu Feb 09, 2012 9:59 pm

The year was 1947.

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little more than 64 years ago, numerous witnesses claim that an Unidentified Flying Object, (UFO), with five aliens aboard, crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico .

This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered-up by the U.S. Air Force, as well as other Federal Agencies and Organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April, year 1948, nine months after the historic day, the following people were born:

Barrack Obama Sr.
Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
William J. Clinton
John F. Kerry
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer
Joe Biden

This is the consequence of aliens breeding with sheep and jack-asses.

I truly hope this bit of
information clears up a lot of things for you. It certainly did for me.

And now you can stop wondering why they support the bill to help all Illegal Aliens.

by **01YZF6** Fri Feb 10, 2012 12:30 am

HAHAHHAH

by **jmunsey** Sun Feb 12, 2012 2:54 pm

https://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=pjkLf_X88WM&vq=medium

Not sure I ever posted this before but it is hillarious!

by **Paladin** Sun Feb 12, 2012 9:35 pm

I have seen it before but it's been a while. Seriously funny.

by **jmunsey** Mon Feb 13, 2012 1:36 am

On a flight getting ready to depart for Detroit, Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him.
The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking. "What's the matter?" Jack asked.

"I've been transferred to Detroit, there are crazy people there.
They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor
Public schools and the highest crime rate."

Jack replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you.
I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck!"

by **01YZF6** Mon Feb 13, 2012 1:59 am

heheheh

by **01YZF6** Tue Feb 14, 2012 2:07 am

The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge Catholic crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and said, ‘Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this stadium go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they’ll forever speak of this day and rejoice!’

Obama replied, ‘I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand … Show Me!’

So the Pope backhanded Obama and knocked him off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land !!!

by **Paladin** Tue Feb 14, 2012 8:14 pm

LOVE IT.

by **jmunsey** Wed Feb 15, 2012 12:39 pm

The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath....

"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees....

Ees.....

Ees....

Ees....

Ees...

Ees....

Ees.... a ham bush...."

by **ZombieNNN** Thu Feb 16, 2012 11:10 pm

Good one.

by **jmunsey** Fri Feb 17, 2012 3:01 pm

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85gO8XLb4ug

Inspirational music video!

by **01YZF6** Fri Feb 17, 2012 6:25 pm

hahahah

by **01YZF6** Fri Feb 17, 2012 6:25 pm

An elderly couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"

Then he grumbles his way into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes , The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says; "I just knew you'd forget, where's my toast?"

by **jmunsey** Sat Feb 18, 2012 11:55 am

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins
to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models.
I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000." ;

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and
found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.
They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's
what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"

by **01YZF6** Sat Feb 18, 2012 3:04 pm

hahhaha !

and

HAHAHAHAHAHA !

by **jmunsey** Sun Feb 19, 2012 1:38 pm

There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late. "When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home." One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late. "Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks. "I was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."

by **01YZF6** Sun Feb 19, 2012 2:17 pm

The Wrong bitch

The train was quite crowded and a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat.
There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My precious little Fifi is obviously using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up.
"Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir........

you obviously seemed to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window!

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