Re: How about a joke thread

by **jughead** Sun May 06, 2012 9:20 pm

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. she slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

by **jmunsey** Fri May 11, 2012 6:02 pm

Queen's Riddle

Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.
He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you
can give me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around you are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"
The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It
is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe
Biden the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.
It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that
one." He went to his advisors and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.

Finally, Biden ran in to Sarah Palin out eating one
night. Biden asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and
father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Sarah Palin answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"
Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!"

Biden then, went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle.
It's Sarah Palin!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

...AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE

by **01YZF6** Sat May 12, 2012 11:42 am

bwahahahahha !

by **jmunsey** Sat May 19, 2012 8:15 pm

I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.

A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half- burned American Flag duct taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.

Suddenly they yelled, "praise Allah" and took off before the light changed.

Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding thru the intersection and ran
directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, " Man...that
could have been me !"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

by **JSteele** Sat May 19, 2012 8:45 pm

O.K. I nominate the joke above as the best one ever cheers

. Way too go Jim! I love it.

by **jmunsey** Wed May 23, 2012 12:28 pm

This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead, and I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.
'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
(Pause)
"O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "Repeat after me: Our Father. . Who art in Heaven. . . ..."

by **jmunsey** Wed May 23, 2012 4:02 pm

THE NEW ANT and the Grasshopper, Two Versions:

The ANT
AND THE
GRASSHOPPER

This one is a little different....
Two Different Versions ...
Two Different Morals OL D VERSION

The ant works
hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper
thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm
and well fed.

The grasshopper has
no food or shelter, so he
dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE OLD STORY:

Be responsible for yourself!

MODERN
VERSION

The ant works hard
in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house
and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant
is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper
calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be
allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN,
and ABC show up to
provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper
next to a video of the ant
in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper
is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears
on Oprah
with the grasshopper
and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green...'

Occupy the Anthill stages
a demonstration in front of the antâ€™s
house where the news stations film the SEIU group singing, We shall overcome.

Then Rev. Jeremiah Wright
has the group kneel down to pray for the grasshopper's sake,

while he damns the ants.

President Obama condemns the ant
and blames
President Bush 43, President Bush 41, President Reagan, Christopher Columbus, and the
Pope
for the grasshopper's
plight..

Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid
exclaim in an interview with Larry
King that the ant has
gotten rich off the back of the
grasshopper,
and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts
the Economic Equity &
Anti-Grasshopper Act
retroactive to the beginning of
the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number
of green bugs and,
having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar
and given to the grasshopper.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper
and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house,
crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken
over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and peaceful, neighborhood.

The entire Nation collapses
bringing the rest
of the free world with it.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Be careful how you vote in 2012.

I've sent this to you because I believe that you are an ant
not a grasshopper!

Make sure that you pass
this on to other ants.

Don't bother sending
it on to any grasshoppers
because they wouldn't
understand it, anyway

by **jughead** Fri Jun 01, 2012 9:53 am

TEL AVIV, Israel: The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners.

It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you,
but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.

Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone,
with none of this crap about racial profiling.
It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.
(plastic bags are less expensive then trial lawyers)

You're in the airport terminal
and you hear a muffled explosion.

Shortly thereafter, an announcement:

"Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is proud
to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London.
Shalom! "

SIMPLY BRILLIANT.

by **TheOldGuy** Fri Jun 08, 2012 9:41 am

wseibert wrote:Heisenberg had just bought a brand new corvette.

He was driving it home and decided to really open it up and see what it could do.

As he was flying around a blind curve, a police officer clocked him and pulled him over.

The police officer asked Heisenberg, "Sir, do you have any idea how fast you were going?"

Heisenberg looked at the officer and replied flatly, "No officer, I have no idea how fast I was going, but, I know exactly where I am!"

This is definitely an Inside physicists joke, but I'm not at all sure where I was when I "got" it . . . .

Edited to add:

Explanation

In quantum mechanics, the Heisenberg uncertainty principle states by precise inequalities that certain pairs of physical properties, like position and momentum, cannot simultaneously be known to arbitrary precision. That is, the more precisely one property is measured, the less precisely the other can be measured. In other words, the more you know the position of a particle, the less you can know about its velocity, and the more you know about the velocity of a particle, the less you can know about its instantaneous position.

by **mobilestromrider** Fri Jun 15, 2012 10:41 pm

After a long night of making love, the guy
notices a photo of another man, on the woman's
nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.

'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.

'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his
ear.
'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires,
hoping to be reassured.

'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!'
she answers.

'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.
She whispers in his ear

'That's me before the surgery.

by **jmunsey** Sun Jun 17, 2012 3:00 pm

You know Scripture says "a merry heart doeth good like a medicine.

> A friend told the blond: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
> The blonde then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
> ------------------------------------
> Two blondes find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
> One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
> The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
> ------------------------------------
>
> A woman phoned her blonde neighbor and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your husband are having sex.
> The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
> To which the blonde replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
> ------------------------------------
>
> A blonde is in the bathroom and her husband shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
> She answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
> ------------------------------
> A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish.
> "I think it's got epilepsy," she tells the vet.
> The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".
> The blonde says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
> ------------------------------------
> A blonde spies a letter lying on his doormat.
> It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
> She spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
> ------------------------------------
> A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone
> "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
> "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
> "No", he shouts, "this is her husband!"
> ------------------------------------
> A blonde was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly she has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
> A cop car pulls her over, so she tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
> The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
> ------------------------------------
> A blonde's dog goes missing and she is frantic.
> Her husband says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
>
> She does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
>
> "What did you put in the paper?" her husband asks.
>
> "Here boy!" she replies.
> ------------------------------------
> A blonde man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
> "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
> "Hanging myself," the blond replies.
> "It should be around your neck" says the guard.
> "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe".
> ------------------------------------
> (This one actually makes sense...lol)
>
> An Italian tourist asks a blonde, "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
> To which the blonde replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

by **ZombieNNN** Sun Jun 17, 2012 11:15 pm

Good ones.

by **01YZF6** Fri Jun 22, 2012 2:58 pm

A lady was walking down the street dragging two large bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill would fall out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. “ Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.

A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, "O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes."

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!

Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

by **jmunsey** Sun Jun 24, 2012 6:37 pm

Senior Lemon Picker
Sally Mullihan of Coral Springs , Florida
decided to take one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove and seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan , had worked as a social worker and a school teacher.
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said. I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers and I voted for Obama."

by **01YZF6** Mon Jun 25, 2012 4:29 pm

7 Most Important Men In A Woman's Life

1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."

3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"

4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"

5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"

6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"

7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"

by **01YZF6** Mon Jun 25, 2012 4:30 pm

A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."

She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."

They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.

She says, "Answer the door."

He says, "But my face is a mess."

She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."

He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."
The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."

by **ZombieNNN** Mon Jun 25, 2012 10:44 pm

Good ones.

by **jmunsey** Wed Jun 27, 2012 12:00 pm

Barack Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he lookedin the mirror and noticed that he was white from the neck to the top of his head.

In a sheer panic and fearing he was turning white all over, he called his doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately.

After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Barack, and told him
to drink it all.

Barack drank the concoction and said,
"That tasted like bullshit!"
"It was." the doctor replied, "You were a quart low."

by **jmunsey** Thu Jun 28, 2012 9:22 am

It just hit me! My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. His meals are provided at no cost to him. He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year, if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him. He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep. If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free. He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living. I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick ..........
My dog is a CONGRESSMAN !!!!

by **jmunsey** Sun Jul 08, 2012 9:55 am

I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.

She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?

And that, my friend, is the definition of 'OLD'!

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker

came up to the very elderly widow and asked,

'How old was your husband?'

'98,' she replied: 'Two years older than me'

'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.

She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

'And what do you think is the best thing

about being 104?' the reporter asked.

She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

I've sure gotten old!

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,

new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes

I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,

take 40 different medications that

make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation;

hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.

Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,

I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,

so I got my doctor's permission to

join a fitness club and start exercising.

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour..

But, by the time I got my leotards on,

the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and

told her preacher she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,

she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?'

'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?

Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises

as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff

in my shopping cart says,

'For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER :

Grant me the senility to forget the people

I never liked anyway,

the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and

the eyesight to tell the difference.

Always REMEMBER this:

You don't stop laughing because you grow old,

You grow old because you stop laughing...

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

I don't want to brag or make anyone jealous or anything,

but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.

by **01YZF6** Sun Jul 08, 2012 12:42 pm

by **Dragon** Tue Jul 10, 2012 1:34 am

by **mobilestromrider** Wed Jul 25, 2012 12:26 am

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

by **mobilestromrider** Wed Jul 25, 2012 12:28 am

Proud Texan Father
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"

"Yup, shore am!"

"How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."

The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."

The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"

by **jughead** Thu Jul 26, 2012 10:00 am

It's wedding night for a Chinese couple. Both are virgins. She is naked as He climbs into bed and tries to be reassuring.
"My darring," he whispers, trying to sound experienced, "I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, You juss ask… Whatchu want?"
She shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have hear about from the odda girls.... Numbaa 69....."
There is silence, from him, then, puzzled, he asks,...

....

.......

......

"You want... Garric Chicken wif snow peas???"

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