Re: How about a joke thread

[jmunsey]

This is not a joke but a true story too funny to pass up. This really occurred because "6 came before 9".

;-)

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/buster/battery-over-bad-sex-497812

[jughead]

This is not a joke but a true story too funny to pass up. This really occurred because "6 came before 9".

;-)

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/buster/battery-over-bad-sex-497812

Too damn funny.

[Sonny]

What's in a name?
I was at a New Years Eve party standing by the punch bowl imbibing a bit of refreshment when this rather attractive woman approached.

She smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name," I replied. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen".
"What's your name?" she asked.

I immediately answered, "B.J. Boobsengolf."

For some reason the wife is still mad!??

[01YZF6]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts
of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the
confessional, The man
said: 'Father...During World War II, a
beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked
me to hide her
from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing
you did, and you have no
need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father...She started
to repay me with
sexual favors. This happened several times a week,
and sometimes twice
on Sundays.'
The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and
by doing what you
did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but
two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of
the flesh.
However, if you are truly sorry for your actions,
you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off
my mind. I do have
one more question.'

'And what is that, my son?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is
over?''



Note: not a true story and hope I haven't offended anyone.

[hayweed]

Too funny.

[01YZF6]

An oldGerman Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.


The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!"


Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,


"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"


Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.



"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"


Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.


The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.


The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"


Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...



"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"


Moral of this story...


Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull s*it and brilliance only come with age and experience.

[01YZF6]

A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka. The bartender says, "Six shots? What's wrong?"

"I found out my older brother is gay," replied the man.

The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "What now?" asked the bartender.

"I found out my younger brother is gay," replied the man.

The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "Geez, does ANYBODY in your family like women?" asked the bartender.

The man replied, "Yeah, my wife does."

[01YZF6]

A woman playing Golf,hit a man near by.He put his hands together between his legs, Fell on the ground & rolled around in pain.She rushed to him & Offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor.He sitantly He agreed..She Gently took his hands away Unzipped his Pants & Put her hands inside, Massaged Gently for Few Minutes & asked: How does it Feel?

He replied:Well Feels Gr8 But I still Think my Thumb is Broken..!!!

[crispy]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running."

[01YZF6]

Two Blonde's go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the Blonde's catch a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One Blonde turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"

The other Blonde says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

[jughead]

A man is having problems with his penis, which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says,
"Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your penis is burned out.You only have 30 erections left." The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doctor told him. She says, "Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that. We should make a list!" He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it."

[JSteele]

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the sh*t out of all of you! St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'' Couple of minutes ago.'

[01YZF6]

Robert , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old ...

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.

ALL goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert, again he is ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for more action. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.

I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.

Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: You mean I was here already?

The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

[mobilestromrider]

A young man walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi . You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job… I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes - Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes." "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20 's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it."

[jughead]

What is a dilemma?

Well, there’s nothing better than an example to illustrate that.

Imagine that you are laying in a big bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a gay man on the other.

Who are you going to turn your back on?

That my brothers is a dilemma.

[jughead]

My wife was out of town so I picked a girl up at the bar and took her back to my house the other night.

"Why are all of these photos turned the other way?" she asked, confused.

"They're pictures of my wife," I replied. "They're just too painful to look at."

Thinking something had happened to my wife she said "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know. How did it happen, if you don't mind me asking?"

I replied.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Both of her parents were ugly,"

[mobilestromrider]

I went for my prostate exam this morning.

After inserting a finger into my a#* and having a good feel around, the Doc looked at me and said
"That should be my finger..not yours "

[JSteele]

It took me a second to figure that one out....      

[jughead]

two old women meet for a coffee, one lady says to the other "did you come on the bus" other replies "yes, but i made it look like an asthma attack"

[JSteele]

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be the Man of Your House."

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands.

Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."

[jughead]

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said: "screw off, you won't bring it back."

[jughead]

Persons of Inability Act

President Barack Obama and the Democratic Senate are considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said California Sen. Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing."

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons with No Ability (63 percent).

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability (POI) into middle-management positions, and give a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, "Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?"

"As a non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Mich., due to her inability to remember righty tighty, lefty loosey. "This new law should be real good for people like me. I’ll finally have job security." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Said Sen. Dick Durbin: "As a senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so."

[JSteele]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

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