Re: How about a joke thread

by **jughead** Tue Sep 11, 2012 10:03 pm

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out,
"How do you know they're having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

by **jughead** Wed Sep 12, 2012 1:33 am

by **jughead** Wed Sep 12, 2012 1:33 am

by **jmunsey** Wed Sep 12, 2012 8:01 am

Good ones!

by **jmunsey** Sun Sep 16, 2012 3:50 pm

Irish Wit

Oldies but goodies..
Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards because I wasn't even home yesterday."

Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station.
Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road. Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable. His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy" he replies.

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What the hell you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself" Paddy replies. "It should be around your neck" says the Guard. "I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't fookin' breathe".

An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, 'Not guilty.'
'That's grand!' shouted Reilly. 'Does that mean I can keep the money?'

Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?'
'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.'

Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her out of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.

Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. 'Quick!' he said, 'Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!'
'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked.
'No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'.'

Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?

My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?

by **jmunsey** Mon Sep 17, 2012 5:42 pm

Harold jokes:

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Harold stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Harold?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Harold watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Harold 'Giving up?'

The math teacher saw that Harold wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Harold! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Harold quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

Harold's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Harold asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

Little Harold attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Harold asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Harold, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'

by **jughead** Tue Sep 18, 2012 8:27 pm

A Man is in the Doctors office who asks, "Now, explain exactly what brought you here." The Man says, "Well, the first thing every morning, before I'm up, my wife wakes me up sucking my dick. Then after breakfast, I usually fluff her before going to work. Later while waiting for my carpool, my good looking neighbor Suzie will wave me over and I'll end up fluffing her at her house. Then in my carpool, I'm stuck in the back seat with a co-worker who is a very hot woman and she will suck my dick all the way to work. At work, I will usually fluff at least one of my customers on the couch in my office and then at lunch I take my secretary to lunch and afterward fluff her in the motel next door. In the afternoon, my ex wife will show up, sometimes with a friend and I'll fluff both of them. The guy next to me drives me home and he's gay and loves to suck me off before dropping me off... and then of course, I'll have to fluff my wife once or twice before going to sleep...." The confused Doctor asks, "So what's the problem?" The Man shakes his head and replies, "It hurts when I jerk off."

by **jmunsey** Tue Sep 18, 2012 8:50 pm

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....

by **jughead** Thu Sep 20, 2012 10:11 pm

An Italian man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the
Italian man walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of Italian brotherhood and silence
passed between the two men..

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

by **01YZF6** Fri Sep 21, 2012 8:32 am

my youngest told med this one...

2 peanuts were walking down a dark alley....

1 was a salted.

that is all there was to that joke....

by **hayweed** Fri Sep 21, 2012 6:53 pm

Two blondes were walking down the street. One walked into a bar. The other ducked. LOL

by **01YZF6** Fri Sep 21, 2012 11:49 pm

In 1272, the Arabic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the Irish somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

by **ZombieNNN** Sat Sep 22, 2012 5:00 pm

Good one.

by **jmunsey** Mon Sep 24, 2012 6:17 pm

This may be more of a Submarine joke:

An A-Ganger and a Torpedoman somehow ended up at the base barber shop at the same time for a haircut and a shave.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear a fight would break out. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had the Torpedoman in his chair reached for the aftershave.

The Torpedoman was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'

The second barber turned to the A-Ganger and said, 'How about you sir?' The A-Ganger replied, 'Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'

by **01YZF6** Mon Sep 24, 2012 9:14 pm

bwahahahaha !

by **jmunsey** Sun Sep 30, 2012 1:55 pm

Sorry for this, in advance....well....not really!!

>
> How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
>
> Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
>
> A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
>
> I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
>
> Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
>
> England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
>
> I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
>
> They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
>
> I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
>
> Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
>
> I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any
> time.
>
> I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
>
> This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never
> met herbivore.
>
> When chemists die, they barium.
>
> I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
>
> I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
>
> PMS jokes aren't funny; period...
>
> Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
>
> We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no
> pop quiz.
>
> I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
>
> Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she
> couldn't control her pupils?
>
> When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
>
> Broken pencils are pointless.
>
> What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
>
> I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
>
> All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police
> have nothing to go on.
>
> I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
>
> Velcro - what a rip off!

by **jmunsey** Wed Oct 10, 2012 7:51 pm

How about a joke thread - Page 21 Oldwoman

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard

by **jmunsey** Sat Oct 13, 2012 8:08 am

Shits and Giggles
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (O.M.G.!!!) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy. I'm still not over the pig.) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home . What the...?) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (Talk about a southpaw.) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?) Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts. (and gotta love that pig)!!

by **JSteele** Wed Oct 31, 2012 3:28 pm

HALLOWEEN

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

by **jmunsey** Thu Nov 15, 2012 12:34 am

My wife asked me the other day, "At your age, what would

you prefer to get - Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?"

I answered, "Definitely Parkinson's. Better to spill half an

ounce of Crown Royal, than to forget where you keep the bottle!!"

by **mobilestromrider** Thu Nov 15, 2012 10:23 pm

by **mobilestromrider** Sun Nov 25, 2012 7:39 pm

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation,

"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.

Now, I want the party who did this to stand and
ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

No one moved. The preacher continued,

"Do you have the nerve to face me and
admit this is a falsehood?

Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart
you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as shespoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible
misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I
simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation
roared.

by **jmunsey** Thu Nov 29, 2012 7:42 pm

https://youtu.be/Xv1tMioGgXI

by **jughead** Sat Dec 01, 2012 11:22 am

I told my wife: I've got a problem."
She replied: "No, we have a problem, We're married, we're a unit, Your problem is my problem, We're in this together. So what is our problem?"
I Said: "We got your sister pregnant!"

by **jughead** Wed Dec 19, 2012 11:51 pm

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said, “Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons ?’”

Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage.

Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”

Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed ?
Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”

“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”

“Alright,” Martha said. “So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes ?”

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