Re: How about a joke thread

[jughead]

A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"

[jughead]

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just
recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do
about it. He did it and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a
commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to
find him sitting at his desk with his weenie hanging out.
I thought I told you to call your mom! she said.
I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till
noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.

[WideGlider]

[jmunsey]

HOW MUCH?
The President was looking for a call girl and he found three such ladies in a local bar: a blonde, a redhead and a brunette.
To the blonde, he said, "I am the President of the United States of America. How much will it cost me to spend some time with you?"
The blonde replied, "For you, Mr. President, it will cost $500.00."
To the redhead he asked the same question. She replied, "I will spend all the time you want for $1,000.00."
When he approached the brunette he asked the same question.
She said, "If you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes, get your pants as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as times are now and screw me as well as you do the public, believe me, it won't cost you a damn thing!"

[01YZF6]

How does a lumberjack get on the internet?

He logs on

------------------------
A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.

The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something."

The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."

--------------------------------------
A lonely frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told,
"You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says,
"This is great! Will I meet her at a party, a bar, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

----------------------------------------
Do you know why a chicken coop has two doors?

If it had four, it'd be a sedan.

-------------------------------------------

[01YZF6]

I did not see this one coming....lol

Redneck LENT

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his
outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.But, all of Bubba's neighbors were
Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a
Catholic. Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped
and watched in amazement.There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:

You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.

[JSteele]

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his everyword. His buddies at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'
Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'

'I lied about my age', Bob replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

[Sonny]

Ducks in Heaven
Three guys die together and go to heaven.... St. Peter says, "We only have one rule...don't step on the ducks as they are God's favorite creation."

They enter heaven and see ducks everywhere, and it's almost impossible to not step on a duck. The first guy accidentally steps on one, and soon here comes St. Peter with the biggest, ugliest woman he'd ever seen...

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment is to be chained to this ugly woman forever."

The next day the second guy steps on a duck...Sure enough, St. Peter comes with another ugly woman and chains them together.

Seeing this, the third guy is very, very careful. He goes for months and doesn't step on any ducks. One day, St. Peter comes along with this beautiful woman: Blonde, blue-eyed, very young and very sexy. He chains them together and leaves without a word.

The man remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve this good fortune?" And the Blonde says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck

[01YZF6]

hahahah

[01YZF6]

Hot & Cold Sex- you just can't rush these things


After an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient: "You appear to be in good health..
Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do." said the old man.
"After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly; and then,
after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."

When the doctor examined his elderly wife a short time later he said, "Everything appears to be fine..
Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: "Your husband mentioned an unusual problem..
He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time;
and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?"

"Oh, that crazy old bastard" she replied, "That's because the first time is usually in January,
and the second time is in August."

[01YZF6]

It's all in the punctuation:

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.



The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."



The women wrote: "Woman, Without her, man is nothing."

[bamadawg]

So at a recent press conference following his motorcycle accident, an Arkansas college football coach was asked...

Reporter: Hey Coach, at your age and at that crucial moment..., realizing you couldn't keep it up, how'd you manage to lay her down, and did it hurt?
Coach: I'm sorry, could you be more specific...are we talking about the Harley or the blonde?

[01YZF6]

bwahahah

[JSteele]

I checked this out on Snopes and it's for real!

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER..

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

[hayweed]

An old one but a good one.

[01YZF6]

Nice,....lol

[JSteele]

Like so many people who enjoy the rich food of South Louisiana on a regular basis, Boudreaux was quite a bit overweight.
After a brief annual examination, his doctor said, 'I'm putting you on a diet. I want you to eat regularly for 2 days,
then skip a day,
then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day ....
.. and repeat that procedure for 2 weeks, then come back to see me.
The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'
When Boudreaux returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!
'That is truly amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'
Boudreaux nodded ...
'I tell you, cher, I t'aut I wuz gonna drop dead on de flo on dat tird day every time.'
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No,' Boudreaux replied,
'from all dat skippin!'

[Paladin]

I actually laughed out loud.

[jmunsey]

An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home.
All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Australian home.
After a few weeks in the Australian facility, they came to visit Grandpa. ''How do you like it here?'' asks the grandson.

''It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful'', says grandpa.
''We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.''
''Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents'', Abdullah says with a big smile.
''There's a musician here-- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!
There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!
There's a dentist here -- 90 years old.. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!

And me ;
I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The fluffing Arab".

[Paladin]

"Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"And why is that Eve?"

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"Man? What is that Lord?"

"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will
like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he is aroused, but
since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he will also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch Lord?"

"Well.....you can have him on one condition."

"And what's that Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring.....so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little
secret...... You know, woman to woman"

[01YZF6]

A nice, calm and respectable looking lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law!

I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[jmunsey]

Couple in their seventies are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember…
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure...'
'Don't you think you should write it down, so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it..'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

[jmunsey]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said: 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly..'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

[jmunsey]

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

[jmunsey]

A man was telling his neighbor: 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor, 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'

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