How about a joke thread
+29
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33 posters
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Re: How about a joke thread
by jmunsey Fri Aug 05, 2011 7:22 pm
Leo Rosten, the great Jewish writer and authority on Jewish humor, listed as one of the characteristics of Jewish humor revenge over the oppressor by the use of guile or circumstance. This is such a story:
*********************************************************************
*********************************************************************
Moishe was sitting at the bar, staring at his drink, when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and menacingly says, "Thanks Jew Boy, whatcha going to do about it?"
Moishe burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying. What's your problem?"
"This is the worst day of mylife," Moishe says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the postman and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink; drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
*********************************************************************
*********************************************************************
Moishe was sitting at the bar, staring at his drink, when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and menacingly says, "Thanks Jew Boy, whatcha going to do about it?"
Moishe burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying. What's your problem?"
"This is the worst day of mylife," Moishe says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the postman and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink; drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
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Age : 69
Location : Robertsdale, AL -
Bwahahaha!!!
Miss G- Extraordinary Member
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Join date : 2010-12-18
Age : 59
Location : Robertsdale, AL
Re: How about a joke thread
by misfit Fri Aug 05, 2011 10:10 pm
There were three guys at a bar.One was a college student, one was a business man and the other was a biker.
The student tells the two other men that it was his anniversary and he got his wife a pearl necklace and a trip to the Bahamas "s*it if she doesn't like the necklace she'll love the trip" he said.
So the business man said "That's nice, for my last anniversary I got my wife a Mercedes and a new mansion, if she didn't like the Mercedes she has to like the new mansion. "
As the biker finished his drink he said "For my last anniversary I got my wife a t-shirt and a vibrator. Figured if she didn't like the t-shirt she can go fluff herself"
The student tells the two other men that it was his anniversary and he got his wife a pearl necklace and a trip to the Bahamas "s*it if she doesn't like the necklace she'll love the trip" he said.
So the business man said "That's nice, for my last anniversary I got my wife a Mercedes and a new mansion, if she didn't like the Mercedes she has to like the new mansion. "
As the biker finished his drink he said "For my last anniversary I got my wife a t-shirt and a vibrator. Figured if she didn't like the t-shirt she can go fluff herself"
misfit- Seat Cushion
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Join date : 2010-09-14
Age : 41
Location : Mobile,AL
Re: How about a joke thread
by jughead Mon Aug 08, 2011 9:06 am
Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. Why do I tell you this?
Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
1. Teaching Math In 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?
2. Teaching Math In 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20 ...
5. Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok.)
6. Teaching Math In 2000s
If you have special needs or just feel you need assistance because of race, color, religion, sex, age, childhood memories, criminal background, then don't answer and the correct answer will be provided for you. There are no wrong answers.
7. Teaching Math In 2011
Un hachero vende una carrtada de Madera para 100 pesos. El costo de la producciones es 80 pesos. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
1. Teaching Math In 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?
2. Teaching Math In 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20 ...
5. Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok.)
6. Teaching Math In 2000s
If you have special needs or just feel you need assistance because of race, color, religion, sex, age, childhood memories, criminal background, then don't answer and the correct answer will be provided for you. There are no wrong answers.
7. Teaching Math In 2011
Un hachero vende una carrtada de Madera para 100 pesos. El costo de la producciones es 80 pesos. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
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Re: How about a joke thread
by jmunsey Thu Aug 11, 2011 8:39 pm
Dave stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity.
He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again,but didn't start his back swing.
Finally his exasperated partner Ray asked, 'What the heck is takin' so long?'
'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' Dave explained...'I want to make a perfect shot.'
His companion Ray said, 'You don't have a chance in Hell of hitting her from here.'
He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again,but didn't start his back swing.
Finally his exasperated partner Ray asked, 'What the heck is takin' so long?'
'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' Dave explained...'I want to make a perfect shot.'
His companion Ray said, 'You don't have a chance in Hell of hitting her from here.'
jmunsey- Extraordinary Member
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01YZF6- Leading the Pack
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Re: How about a joke thread
by 01YZF6 Sat Aug 13, 2011 7:23 pm
For all of you Lexiphiles ....
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
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Re: How about a joke thread
by jmunsey Mon Aug 15, 2011 8:46 am
A magician worked on a cruise ship.
>
> The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks
> over and over again.
>
> There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and
> began to understand how the Magician did every trick.
>
> Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look,
> it?s not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!"
> Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
>
> The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the
> Captain's parrot.
>
> Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning
> almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece
> of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with
> the parrot.
>
> They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
>
> This went on for a day... and then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the
> 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...
>
>
> "OK, I give up. Where's the fuckin' ship?"
>
> The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks
> over and over again.
>
> There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and
> began to understand how the Magician did every trick.
>
> Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look,
> it?s not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!"
> Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
>
> The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the
> Captain's parrot.
>
> Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning
> almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece
> of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with
> the parrot.
>
> They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
>
> This went on for a day... and then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the
> 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...
>
>
> "OK, I give up. Where's the fuckin' ship?"
jmunsey- Extraordinary Member
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Age : 69
Location : Robertsdale, AL -
Re: How about a joke thread
by jmunsey Tue Aug 16, 2011 12:56 pm
Earl walked into a drug store inKentucky and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and
her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. She then asked if she could
help him. Earl said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable
discussing with a male pharmacist. The lady pharmacist assured him that she
was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could
be confident that she would treat him with a high level of professionalism.
Earl then agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections
every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe
embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'
The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.'
When she returned, she said,
"We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do.
1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month
in living expenses.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and
her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. She then asked if she could
help him. Earl said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable
discussing with a male pharmacist. The lady pharmacist assured him that she
was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could
be confident that she would treat him with a high level of professionalism.
Earl then agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections
every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe
embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'
The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.'
When she returned, she said,
"We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do.
1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month
in living expenses.
jmunsey- Extraordinary Member
- Posts : 1293
Join date : 2010-07-14
Age : 69
Location : Robertsdale, AL -
Re: How about a joke thread
by jmunsey Tue Aug 16, 2011 2:08 pm
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Send this to the women who can handle it
And to the men who will enjoy reading it.
Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Send this to the women who can handle it
And to the men who will enjoy reading it.
jmunsey- Extraordinary Member
- Posts : 1293
Join date : 2010-07-14
Age : 69
Location : Robertsdale, AL -
Re: How about a joke thread
by jmunsey Tue Aug 16, 2011 5:21 pm
BEWILDERED TEXAN
While hiking down along the border at daybreak this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River ; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying. Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back. If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.
Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff 's Office and Homeland Security.
It is now 4 PM, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded. I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps...
While hiking down along the border at daybreak this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River ; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying. Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back. If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.
Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff 's Office and Homeland Security.
It is now 4 PM, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded. I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps...
jmunsey- Extraordinary Member
- Posts : 1293
Join date : 2010-07-14
Age : 69
Location : Robertsdale, AL -
Re: How about a joke thread
by Paladin Tue Aug 16, 2011 7:15 pm
jmunsey wrote:BEWILDERED TEXAN
While hiking down along the border at daybreak this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River ; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying. Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back. If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.
Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff 's Office and Homeland Security.
It is now 4 PM, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded. I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps...
Niiiiiiice
Paladin- Road Captain
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Age : 52
Location : silverhill
Re: How about a joke thread
by jmunsey Tue Aug 16, 2011 8:24 pm
Texting for Seniors
Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a
STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you.
Please pass this on to your children and grandchildren so they can understand your texts.
ATD:
At The Doctor's
BFF:
Best Friend Fainted
BTW:
Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT:
Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM:
Covered By Medicare
CGU:
Can't get up
CUATSC:
See You At The Senior Center
DWI:
Driving While Incontinent
FWB:
Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW:
Forgot Where I Was
FYI:
Found Your Insulin
GGPBL:
Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA:
Got Heartburn Again
HGBM:
Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO:
Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO:
Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL:
Living On Lipitor
LWO:
Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR:
On My Massage Recliner
OMSG:
Oh My! Sorry Gas.
ROFL... CGU:
Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
TTYL:
Talk To You Louder
WAITT:
Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA:
Wet The Furniture Again
WTP:
Where's The Prunes?
WWNO:
Walker Wheels Need Oil
GGLKI:
CRS
(Gotta Go Laxative Kicking In)
Can't Remember s*it
Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a
STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you.
Please pass this on to your children and grandchildren so they can understand your texts.
ATD:
At The Doctor's
BFF:
Best Friend Fainted
BTW:
Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT:
Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM:
Covered By Medicare
CGU:
Can't get up
CUATSC:
See You At The Senior Center
DWI:
Driving While Incontinent
FWB:
Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW:
Forgot Where I Was
FYI:
Found Your Insulin
GGPBL:
Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA:
Got Heartburn Again
HGBM:
Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO:
Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO:
Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL:
Living On Lipitor
LWO:
Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR:
On My Massage Recliner
OMSG:
Oh My! Sorry Gas.
ROFL... CGU:
Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
TTYL:
Talk To You Louder
WAITT:
Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA:
Wet The Furniture Again
WTP:
Where's The Prunes?
WWNO:
Walker Wheels Need Oil
GGLKI:
CRS
(Gotta Go Laxative Kicking In)
Can't Remember s*it
jmunsey- Extraordinary Member
- Posts : 1293
Join date : 2010-07-14
Age : 69
Location : Robertsdale, AL -
Re: How about a joke thread
by 01YZF6 Thu Aug 18, 2011 12:17 pm
Once upon a time, Cupid was walking among the humans, when he came upon a pair of statues. The statues were of a man and women with outstretched hands longing to embrace.
Cupid was so taken by the idea of two creatures, with such yearning, unable to touch that he decided to give them the gift of life for two hours. With a wave of his hand he animated the statues with life and the understanding that for two hours they had life as with any other humans, able to fufill all desires.
The statues, now able to fullfill all there desires, fell amongst the bushes in a frensy of torn clothing, grunts and laughter.
Cupid delighted in his ability to bring the couple together became concerned when after an hour things got quiet. Not wanting to infringe on the couples limited time together he quietly leaned in to hear...............
Ok, now you hold the pigeons, and ill s*it on them.
Cupid was so taken by the idea of two creatures, with such yearning, unable to touch that he decided to give them the gift of life for two hours. With a wave of his hand he animated the statues with life and the understanding that for two hours they had life as with any other humans, able to fufill all desires.
The statues, now able to fullfill all there desires, fell amongst the bushes in a frensy of torn clothing, grunts and laughter.
Cupid delighted in his ability to bring the couple together became concerned when after an hour things got quiet. Not wanting to infringe on the couples limited time together he quietly leaned in to hear...............
Ok, now you hold the pigeons, and ill s*it on them.
01YZF6- Leading the Pack
- Posts : 766
Join date : 2010-10-06
Age : 50
Location : Dothan, AL
Re: How about a joke thread
by jmunsey Thu Aug 18, 2011 4:49 pm
Employee Notice!
Due to the current financial situation caused by the
slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to
put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory
retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People
Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be
considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced
Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed
under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as
many times as Congress deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional
Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired
Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be
SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will
receive as much s*it (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.
Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of s*it they
give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough s*it,
please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been
trained to give you all the s*it you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives
(E.V.I.L.)
PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of
electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the
Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off..
Due to the current financial situation caused by the
slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to
put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory
retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People
Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be
considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced
Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed
under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as
many times as Congress deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional
Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired
Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be
SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will
receive as much s*it (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.
Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of s*it they
give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough s*it,
please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been
trained to give you all the s*it you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives
(E.V.I.L.)
PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of
electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the
Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off..
jmunsey- Extraordinary Member
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Dragon- Obsessive Member
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Re: How about a joke thread
by jmunsey Thu Aug 18, 2011 11:38 pm
"The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. CEO's are now playing miniature golf. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore. A picture is now only worth 200 words. They renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street". Finally, I called the Suicide Hotline... I got a call center in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck."
jmunsey- Extraordinary Member
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01YZF6- Leading the Pack
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Age : 50
Location : Dothan, AL
jmunsey- Extraordinary Member
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Re: How about a joke thread
by jmunsey Sat Aug 20, 2011 10:42 pm
HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN:
Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her.
Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her.
Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.
HOW TO TREAT A MAN:
Show up naked. Bring chicken wings & beer. Don't block the TV. Or take the remote!
Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her.
Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her.
Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.
HOW TO TREAT A MAN:
Show up naked. Bring chicken wings & beer. Don't block the TV. Or take the remote!
jmunsey- Extraordinary Member
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Location : Robertsdale, AL -
excellent.
Paladin- Road Captain
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Re: How about a joke thread
by jmunsey Mon Aug 22, 2011 12:07 am
REDNECK HOME SECURITY SYSTEM:
1. Buy a pair of size 14-16 work boots.
2. Put them on front porch with a copy of Guns & Ammo.
3. Put some giant dog dishes next to boots & magazines.
4. Leave note on your door: "Bubba: Me & Bertha went for more ammo & beer. Back soon. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they messed the mailman up bad this morning. I don't think Killer took part; hard to tell from all the blood. I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back. ~Cooter
1. Buy a pair of size 14-16 work boots.
2. Put them on front porch with a copy of Guns & Ammo.
3. Put some giant dog dishes next to boots & magazines.
4. Leave note on your door: "Bubba: Me & Bertha went for more ammo & beer. Back soon. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they messed the mailman up bad this morning. I don't think Killer took part; hard to tell from all the blood. I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back. ~Cooter
jmunsey- Extraordinary Member
- Posts : 1293
Join date : 2010-07-14
Age : 69
Location : Robertsdale, AL -
Re: How about a joke thread
by 01YZF6 Mon Aug 22, 2011 4:46 pm
no lie, this has been done to a similar extent by my uncle..... on a regular basis !
01YZF6- Leading the Pack
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jmunsey- Extraordinary Member
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Age : 69
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